The last couple of weeks have had me in constant conversation with God. Conversations that have mostly started with, "Why, God?" You see, one of my deepest fears has always been losing a child, whether that be in the womb or later in life. I've always begged God to spare me that pain because I just couldn't imagine how my mommy heart would be able to walk through it. And then last week, He allowed David and I to face what we prayed we never would: we miscarried for the first time. We lost our second child.
We have been wanting to give Noah a little brother or sister for quite some time now and the waiting has been difficult. Its been a time of trying to trust in the Lord's timing and letting go of control of our lives (which I haven't been very good at). So you can imagine how excited and relieved I was to finally see that beautiful, but faint second line on a pregnancy test. I had just made peace with the Lord that I was yet again, not pregnant, so that line (okay, all three) was such a special gift to me. I even told a close friend, "I think the Lord was just waiting for me to surrender my plans to Him." I thought I understood exactly what the Lord was doing.
But as I waited a few days and kept testing to "confirm" my pregnancy, the lines slowly began to disappear. I spent three days in desperate prayer that God would protect my baby and that the fading lines were just a fluke. I thought that surely this couldn't be in His plan after I had finally surrendered my plan. I went to see my midwife, Dana, to do a blood test but before we even got the results, I began to miscarry. The next day, Dana called and let me know that the blood test confirmed the pregnancy but I had to tell her that we already had our answer.
Because I had been in limbo for several days, having an answer was somewhat of a blessing. But it wasn't the answer I wanted, and I spent several days in tears that would just come on suddenly as I let go of dreams that I had developed in even those few days. And yet, in the midst of this I felt an unexplainable peace. I told David that it was hard when people asked me how I was doing because I didn't know how to convey that I was truly walking through deep pain that could have me in tears at any moment and yet I was also experiencing deep peace. How do you explain feeling all of the raw human emotions, but knowing the supernatural peace of God at the same time?
After several days, I was processing things as well as I could and feeling a special closeness with the Lord. And then a few days later, we found out that several others that we love deeply were experiencing deep loss as well. The news completely broke me and I began to be upset with the Lord for allowing so much pain. My "Why's?" turned into "How could you...?" I was so mad at Him. I've known the Lord my whole life and I have seen His faithfulness over and over and over again. I have seen His goodness, I have experienced His love. But the events of the last few weeks made me so mad at Him. I wanted to know why He was allowing us and those we love to experience so much pain. I wanted answers.
Well, I don't have an answer. And it still hurts. But, the presence of the Lord has been so tangible to me. I was reading Jesus Calling a few days ago and I read this: " This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control...You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never changes...As you release more and more into my care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you." This spoke to the deepest parts of my heart.
I like to be in control. I hate being so aware of how little control I actually have. I want those I love to be okay and I want to know exactly what the Lord is doing. But reality is that I'm not God, and all of that is beyond my control. I've been learning just a bit more about what the words, "Thy will be done," mean. Even when it hurts. Even when it's even harder than I ever imagined it would be. Even when those around me are hurting and there is nothing I can do. When I don't know what the future will look like. Thy will be done. I don't know when we will be blessed with another child. I don't know what the Lord has planned for our loved ones. But I do know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I do know that His grace flows deeply and His love is fierce. I do know that only He can give a peace that passes all understanding. And today, I must choose to rest in the Truth of who He is so that I do not give into the fear of the unknown.
As I continue to process all that March has brought, I am choosing to change my conversations with God from "Why?" to "Thank you..." because in the midst of hard times, I have seen His care. And I am so deeply grateful for His care. I am so deeply grateful for the hope we have in Christ. And I can't wait to meet my little baby someday in Heaven.
This song has taken me before the Lord in worship all month long:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCR_Fa8YV2U
Thy will be done, Lord.
