Thy will be done, Lord.

The last couple of weeks have had me in constant conversation with God. Conversations that have mostly started with, "Why, God?" You see, one of my deepest fears has always been losing a child, whether that be in the womb or later in life. I've always begged God to spare me that pain because I just couldn't imagine how my mommy heart would be able to walk through it. And then last week, He allowed David and I to face what we prayed we never would: we miscarried for the first time. We lost our second child.

We have been wanting to give Noah a little brother or sister for quite some time now and the waiting has been difficult. Its been a time of trying to trust in the Lord's timing and letting go of control of our lives (which I haven't been very good at). So you can imagine how excited and relieved I was to finally see that beautiful, but faint second line on a pregnancy test. I had just made peace with the Lord that I was yet again, not pregnant, so that line (okay, all three) was such a special gift to me. I even told a close friend, "I think the Lord was just waiting for me to surrender my plans to Him." I thought I understood exactly what the Lord was doing.

But as I waited a few days and kept testing to "confirm" my pregnancy, the lines slowly began to disappear. I spent three days in desperate prayer that God would protect my baby and that the fading lines were just a fluke. I thought that surely this couldn't be in His plan after I had finally surrendered my plan. I went to see my midwife, Dana, to do a blood test but before we even got the results, I began to miscarry. The next day, Dana called and let me know that the blood test confirmed the pregnancy but I had to tell her that we already had our answer.

Because I had been in limbo for several days, having an answer was somewhat of a blessing. But it wasn't the answer I wanted, and I spent several days in tears that would just come on suddenly as I let go of dreams that I had developed in even those few days. And yet, in the midst of this I felt an unexplainable peace. I told David that it was hard when people asked me how I was doing because I didn't know how to convey that I was truly walking through deep pain that could have me in tears at any moment and yet I was also experiencing deep peace. How do you explain feeling all of the raw human emotions, but knowing the supernatural peace of God at the same time?

After several days, I was processing things as well as I could and feeling a special closeness with the Lord. And then a few days later, we found out that several others that we love deeply were experiencing deep loss as well. The news completely broke me and I began to be upset with the Lord for allowing so much pain. My "Why's?" turned into "How could you...?" I was so mad at Him. I've known the Lord my whole life and I have seen His faithfulness over and over and over again. I have seen His goodness, I have experienced His love. But the events of the last few weeks made me so mad at Him. I wanted to know why He was allowing us and those we love to experience so much pain. I wanted answers.

Well, I don't have an answer. And it still hurts. But, the presence of the Lord has been so tangible to me. I was reading Jesus Calling a few days ago and I read this: " This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control...You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never changes...As you release more and more into my care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you." This spoke to the deepest parts of my heart.

I like to be in control. I hate being so aware of how little control I actually have. I want those I love to be okay and I want to know exactly what the Lord is doing. But reality is that I'm not God, and all of that is beyond my control. I've been learning just a bit more about what the words, "Thy will be done," mean. Even when it hurts. Even when it's even harder than I ever imagined it would be. Even when those around me are hurting and there is nothing I can do. When I don't know what the future will look like. Thy will be done. I don't know when we will be blessed with another child. I don't know what the Lord has planned for our loved ones. But I do know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I do know that His grace flows deeply and His love is fierce. I do know that only He can give a peace that passes all understanding. And today, I must choose to rest in the Truth of who He is so that I do not give into the fear of the unknown.

As I continue to process all that March has brought, I am choosing to change my conversations with God from "Why?" to "Thank you..." because in the midst of hard times, I have seen His care. And I am so deeply grateful for His care. I am so deeply grateful for the hope we have in Christ. And I can't wait to meet my little baby someday in Heaven.

This song has taken me before the Lord in worship all month long:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCR_Fa8YV2U

Thy will be done, Lord.

Let's walk this road together, Momma.

Its 6:00 am. I've been awake since about 5:00 because Noah was up to eat. Sometimes after I feed him, I'll get on my phone for a few minutes just listening to make sure he doesn't cough on spit up or anything. This morning, my news feed on Facebook broke my heart. I saw moms in all different walks of life, struggling, hurting, and broken. All kinds of thoughts and feelings swirled around in my mind and heart, and I just couldn't turn them off. So here I am on the computer sitting in the dark while my baby sleeps in his crib and my husband in bed, because I need to get some of these thoughts out. I hope they speak to somebody. And bear with me if they are not cohesive.

Being a mom is amazing and its hard. Its the tension of being in control and having no control. Its being enough and at the same time, not being enough. It's loving somebody more than life itself but knowing that its not your love that gives that child life. Its being mommy to the child God gave you and yet knowing that even your child does not truly belong to you. Its doing all you can to give your child nourishment and health, but knowing that it is God who sustains them. It is the responsibility to do everything and yet the ability to do nothing. It is learning to live in the tension. The tension that God saw fit to allow.

And we are all walking this same road of mommy-hood. It doesn't matter if you have been a mom for 25 years or 25 minutes. If your child is 30 years old or if your child is 30 days in your womb. We have this in common: we are moms. The love we feel for our child is different and we understand. Its raw, unconditional, aching love. Love that would drive us to do anything for our kids. Love that makes feeling sick every day for three or more months of pregnancy worth it. Love that keeps us up all night long with a crying newborn even though we are desperate for rest. Love that moves us to sacrifice more than we ever have before in our life. Love that will keep us up at night waiting to know our teenagers are safely home. Love that we will make us forget our own dreams to make their dreams come true. Love that drives us to the Throne of God over and over and over again. Loves that causes us to feel deeply.

We feel joy more overwhelmingly. And pain as well. And fear. And yes, we know that God is in control and we know he has a plan. But those emotions run deep because being mommy opens a whole new level of depth in our hearts.

And even though we are all walking this same road, we are often walking it alone. We are afraid to walk with other moms and we are afraid to let other moms walk with us. And we desperately want to walk with each other. We know we need each other, deeply. But sometimes its uncomfortable. We argue over things like what is okay to eat during pregnancy, tummy sleeping or back sleeping, breastfeeding or bottle feeding, cereal for baby or no cereal for baby, to vaccinate on schedule or to pick and choose or to not vaccinate at all, to sleep train or not to sleep train, to homeschool or public school. We show each other the research and try to prove our point. We want to prove that we have made the right decisions. But we forget the most important thing: we are all moms who love our children deeply and we are all walking in this tension of mommy-hood together. We have control to make these decisions and we have no control at all. We all feel the weight of our decisions deeper and heavier than ever before--deeper than we even should, sometimes.

But we are scared and uncomfortable. We don't know how to walk in the trenches together. We don't know how to support each other when the going gets really tough. What do you say to the mommy who just lost her sweet baby she never met, and yours is smiling right at you? How do you support the new mommy who desperately wants breastfeeding to get easier and it just doesn't, but it worked out just fine for you? How do you support the mom who has chosen not to vaccinate and therefore, puts your child at higher risk? How do you support the mom who makes you feel selfish because you have chosen not to vaccinate?

How do we learn to walk this road together? We learn to be okay with not always being comfortable, and we have to be okay not always being "right." We don't always have the right words to say, but when things are really hard, there are no right words to say anyways. We don't need each other to make our struggles better and we don't always need to agree. We just need each other. We need to know we are not alone. We need to be okay feeling each others pain, even when its uncomfortable. We need to know that even when we would do things differently, we all understand the deep love and responsibility we feel. Even when we are going through completely different struggles and making different decisions, we understand on some level because we are all moms. And we can get beyond ourselves, our opinions, and our discomfort to see each other. To really see each other.

So we won't always have the right words to say. We won't always agree with the decisions we make. We won't all have the same joys and the same heartaches. But we are all moms. And we need to walk this road together, in love. We have to learn to live in the tension together. We are enough but we are not enough. We have to bring each other to our Savior. We have to stand in the gap and pray for one another, because being mommy is the hardest thing we will probably ever do. And none of us can go it alone.

Noah William's Birth Story

Hey :) It has been quite a while since either David or I have written anything on this blog. A lot has happened in the last year. We found out we were pregnant with a little boy, we went to Peru to visit my parents and let David experience where I grew up, I graduated with my degree in youth ministry from JBU, we moved to Colorado Springs, David got a new job, and I gave birth to our beautiful Noah William. Ever since I had him (two whole months ago! Can you believe it?) I have been wanting to share our birth story. It has been hard to find time to do that with a newborn, but thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law, who is watching Noah, I am taking the moment to write. Most of you probably won't even care too much what my birth story was, but to me it was very special, and I want to remember it. I'm already forgetting precious details as I get further and further away from it. So for those of you who are interested, I hope that you will in some way be blessed by it. 

My story really starts when we found out we were expecting Noah. We knew we wanted to look into having a homebirth. We both knew people who had had homebirths and had nothing negative to say about them, so we did some research and decided to pursue it. While we were in Colorado Springs for Christmas, we met with Dana Savage, a local midwife, and instantly connected with her. Even though she was a bit more pricey than some of the other midwives in the area, we quickly made the decision to book her for our birth, trusting that God would provide. When we went back to Siloam Springs, we saw an OB for prenatal care, but if I had any questions or needed advice, I would just call or text Dana. She was always so helpful and it was a good way to begin developing a relationship with her. 

As my pregnancy progressed, we noticed that my blood pressure wasn't really staying stable where it was supposed to. The doctor prescribed me medication to control it, but I knew that it wasn't really as high as he thought, since I monitored it regularly at home and knew that it was always quite a bit higher in the doctors office. I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to your doctor, but I personally felt very uneasy taking BP medication if I didn't truly need it, so I asked Dana if there was anything else I could do to help control it. She told me to eat 120 grams of protein a day, stay well hydrated all day long, and to take a walk everyday. I did that, and my BP was stellar :) I never took the medicine the doctor prescribed and I carried a healthy baby fully to term. That was just one of the ways that God took care of me and Noah throughout the pregnancy.

Right after graduation, David and I moved back to Colorado and were so excited about beginning our care with Dana. However, we knew that we owed her several thousand dollars and had absolutely no idea how we were going to do it. We only had about 4 weeks until our deadline and we really had no money. But God is so big and God is so good. Within a week of graduation, He provided more than enough through various gifts, tax returns, pay checks, and a wedding that David photographed. When we got back to Colorado, we were able to make student loan payments, pay off our balance for OB care in Siloam, pay for unexpected car repairs, and pay Dana in full at our first visit, with money left over. I share that because it was such a HUGE testament to us to how God provides for our every need. He is the provider. 

The rest of my pregnancy was pretty good, but very stressful to me at points. There were two times that my blood pressure began to get high again, even though I was doing everything that I had been doing to keep it lower. I began to fear that I wouldn't get my homebirth due to risking out of it legally. The last few weeks, especially, were hard. I just wanted my baby to be born safely, but I continued to pray that we would get to have our homebirth. I was so excited to get to have the experience of staying home for labor and delivery, and having Dana and her assistant as my birth team. And God is good. He gave me the desires of my heart. 

On August 14, I woke up at three in the morning and noticed that I was having contractions that felt different than the braxton hicks I had been experiencing for weeks. I layed awake for a while just to make sure that they were real and consistent. They were. At about 5:30 I woke David up and told him that I had been having contractions for about an hour and a half, and they were all timeable (8 minutes exactly, actually). After that we tried to go back to sleep to get more rest but of course we couldn't! We were way too excited. At about 6:30, I called Dana to let her know that I was having contractions. She told me to keep her updated and she would come around 10:30 unless I needed her sooner. I got up and had some breakfast, David went to work (and came right back home again!), and we started to get the room upstairs ready for the day. We are actually living with David's parents and they let us have their room for labor and delivery, and for six weeks afterwards! I took a shower and then my mom came over to keep me company. I was having some back labor but didn't really think anything of it. When Dana arrived, she checked to see my progress and I was making slow but steady progress. She listened to the baby and he was doing great. She also took my BP, which was staying stable (lower than it had been in a few days actually!), praise the Lord. My contractions remained close together but inconsistent until about 5:00. Dana had come back to check me and I was at about a 5. She told me she was going to call her assistant to go get food together and then they would run some errands and come back, since I wasn't progressing too quickly. She advised me to go downstairs and have a good dinner (one of the reasons we wanted to stay home! You can eat!) so I did that. 

However, during dinner, my contractions which had been about 4-8 minutes apart were suddenly coming every 2-3 minutes. I was trying to eat but had to keep standing up to lean against something because that was most comfortable to me. I let Dana know and she came right back with her wonderful assistant, Kim. After I finished eating, we went upstairs, where I stayed until the baby was born. Labor really wasn't too difficult for me. Each contraction was painful, but I had a wonderful support team encouraging me through them, and they always went away. I was even smiling and laughing almost to the end! I told David he was blessed to have a wife who was so nice during labor. :) I didn't have back-to-back contractions until the very end. I labored in the bath tub for a while, which was awesome as well, and I continued to make good progress. One of my favorite moments during the last few hours of labor was when Dana said she wanted to pray with us. It was incredibly special as she prayed for me and for our little boy. She knew his name was Noah and prayed that he would be a man who found favor in the eyes of the Lord, just as Noah in the Bible did. That moment, just Dana, David, and I, is one that I will never forget. How special to have the woman who delivered our son, pray for him before he even came into this world. 

After that moment, things really progressed. I began to wonder when it would be over because I was having a harder time with each contraction. If I had been in the hospital, this is when I would have broken down and gotten the epidural. But it got even harder. When I was about 8-9 cm, Dana realized that Noah was more posterior than we realized. We needed him to come forward so that I would be able to deliver him without any forceps help. Dana had me doing lunges against the bathtub through each contraction. It was incredibly difficult. After that, she and Kim used a sheet to jostle my belly as I let it hang down. It was right after that that Kim felt something click in my back and when Dana listened to Noah's heartbeat again, he had come forward just like we needed him to. 

At this point, my water still hadn't broken but I was starting to feel like I could push. I pushed for about 15 minutes trying to help my water break and it wasn't. Dana asked if I wanted her to break the water for me to see if it would speed things up. I was ready to be done so of course I said yes! I got on the bed, she broke my water, and I began to push. It was excruciating, as I had not had any pain medication at all. And even though I had prepared myself for the pain, I hadn't prepared myself for the amount of work it was going to be, accompanied by the pain! But only a couple of minutes later, my sweet baby Noah was born, weighing 8 lbs 3 oz, and measuring 22 inches long. He was also born with his hand on his head, so my "ring of fire" was not just a head, but a head and an arm as well. Thank you Noah for the 10 stitches I received! 

At that moment I was so relieved. I held Noah on my chest while I delivered the placenta. Everything was wonderful. I was finally holding my little boy and the pain was over. However, I didn't realize that I was bleeding way more than I should have been. Dana gave me cytotec and pitocin to stop the bleeding and neither one worked. When she tried to find where the bleeding was coming from, she couldn't, so she made the decision to call 911 and transfer to the hospital. During this time, I felt fine, just so exhausted that I really didn't care what happened. I trusted her judgment. She called 911 and they took me to the hospital. David followed with his brother and Noah in the car. Noah's first car ride, an hour after being born!

By the time I was set up in the hospital, my bleeding had stopped. The medical staff didn't even really seem to know why I had come in. They didn't really believe Dana when she told them how much blood I had lost (she figure out that I had lost about 1 - 1.5 liters, which is a lot!). The doctor stitched me up, and three hours after I got there, I got to go home. God was taking care of me the whole time, and I had amazing peace about everything, even the bill we were going to receive (which God again took care of)! 

Dana did not tell me until the next day that right before she had called 911, she prayed that God would protect me and stop my bleeding. What a blessing it was to have a woman who believes in the power of prayer to heal with me during my birth. She believes that it was when she prayed that my bleeding began to slow and eventually stop because even the doctor couldn't figure out why I had bled so much or where it had come from. To this day, there is no explanation for why it happened or why it stopped. My situation was more serious than I realized, but God gave me peace, and he protected me. He is good. 

This story is so special to me. It is special because I had a successful, natural homebirth without any pain meds. I've never worked so hard or been through so much pain in my life, but I did it. And that was important to me. It is special because God gave me the desire of my heart and let me stay home with Dana, a woman who has become so special to me, to deliver my baby. It is special because as I pushed Noah into this world, worship music was playing in the background, and his family was praying for him downstairs. The presence of God was so sweet. It is special because even though it didn't all go as planned and I had to go to the hospital, it was perfect. God showed me his power and love and protection. If I am able and it is God's will, I will deliver my next baby at home as well. God gave me my birth story as a gift to me, to be part of my story. I never want to forget the night that Noah came into this world. 

And PS: I am not against hospitals, doctors, or epidurals. I just didn't want them for me. 

I'm gonna have a baby!!

The first chance I really had to just hold him and look at him since I transferred to the hospital after he was born.

During his newborn exam with Dana. He's so little!!

Dana, our midwife and friend. She continues to take amazing care of both of us. I'll be so sad when our care with her is over!

Our handsome little man at 10 days old

Our new little family!

You, be you. Let them be them.

"Wow! You guys move fast! We dated for a whole year before we were engaged!"

"You guys want to have kids in the next few years? We definitely want at least 5 years first so we have time just to ourselves."

"You guys have been dating for how long? When are you gonna pop the question?!"

Sound familiar? Maybe you haven't heard these exact statements, but if you think about it, you have probably heard something along these lines. You've been telling somebody about you and your significant other and they immediately react with a comparison to their relationship. Or they tell you how they would do it differently if they were in a relationship.

The other day while David and I were getting ready for bed, we started talking about this. A friend of mine had been talking about another couple we know and for some reason I just felt really uncomfortable with the conversation. It wasn't just because it was bordering on gossip. It was because I have a new understanding of some of the intricacies of relationships and I realized that it was really unfair to be talking negatively about how another couple was walking the road of their relationship. I became really uncomfortable because I don't want others to be judging the way David and I walk the road of our relationship.

I'm not writing this to chastise anybody or get upset with the world. Let's be honest. I'm just as guilty as the next person. But as I've been thinking about it lately I've realized something: Why can't we just be free to be our own couple?

David is a unique man. He lived part of his life in France and most of it in Colorado Springs. He has experienced living in Arkansas, Germany, and Ireland. He is a photographer and a server at a nice restaurant in town. He cares deeply about his family and friends and has strong moral convictions. He has been Napolean Dynamite on several occasions and insisted on getting my garter with his teeth {yes, I probably blushed.} There is nobody exactly like him.

I am a unique woman. I lived part of my life in Colorado Springs and most of it in Peru. I have experienced living in Californa, Costa Rica, and Ireland. I have worked in a sweat shop and I now help a girl with some physical disabilities. I am a youth ministry major and grew up in Charismatic churches. I love to serve people {at least, that's what David says} and I love my friends and family greatly. I'm a jungle girl and city girl at heart. I drove motorcycles at a young age and have held a couple different anacondas. There is nobody exactly like me.

So if we are two unique people, doesn't that mean that we are also our own unique couple? We will move at our own pace and make decisions in our own way. There is no other couple exactly like us. Of course, I'm not saying that we don't need shared wisdom from people. Actually, we soak it up. What I'm saying is that we don't need to compare our relationship to other people's relationships! And we have no right to judge the way others walk through their relationship. We get to be ourselves. And others need to be able to be themselves.

Comparison is such a big issue in our culture. Facebook and Instagram are a breeding ground for it. I'm not against being on Facebook and Instragram because I use them both frequently. But think about it. How often do you see somebody's post about their life and get a little bit jealous, frustrated, or annoyed because they have something you don't or are doing something in a different way than you might? I do whenever I see somebody on a lake, or in the mountains, or at the beach. And ladies, be honest. There are times when we see somebody's "perfect" selfie and get jealous because she looks so perfect. We compare and compare and compare. And its not healthy. One of my favorite professors says, "Comparison breeds discontentment." Isn't that true? I have days where I'm having a pretty good day and feeling pretty confident; then I see that beautiful girl surrounded by friends hanging out in the student center. And I start to compare. And I become discontent. {Actually, I see that young mom holding her tiny baby...and I begin to desperately want one}.

Comparison doesn't do anybody any good. It doesn't do me any good when I hear somebody compare my relationship to theirs. It makes me feel like we are doing something wrong. And it doesn't do me any good when I compare somebody else's relationship to mine. They aren't me and David. They don't have to be us.

And it's not just people in relationships that make judgement comparisons. I remember what I was like before I was in a relationship. I would frequently make comments to other friends about couples I knew and about what I would do differently. I talked like I knew what their relationship should be better than they did. But I didn't. And I really don't have the right to judge the way that they walk through their relationship. There is no handbook for relationships. They are hard and they take work. People have to be able to walk the journey together in the way that really works for them as a couple.

And I'm not saying that don't think we should ever challenge our friends to walk "the straight and narrow." I hope if I ever have a close friend who is in an unhealthy relationship that is clearly not honoring God, that I will have the courage to come forward and in love speak truth. However, that isn't what I am talking about here. I'm talking about those "non-essentials" like when to meet the family. And when to first kiss. And how much time to spend together at different levels of seriousness. And when to get engaged. And how long of an engagement to have. And when to have kids. All those things that we have opinions on. That don't really need to be shared unless they are asked for by the couple.

People are all unique. So are couples. So I'm learning to just allow people to be in their relationship without feeling like they are being analyzed. Just because they dated longer before becoming engaged doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. And just because we want kids sooner than another couple doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. We are us. And we can be so confidently.

So be your own person and be your own couple! Let God direct you as He will. Don't compare other relationships to your own. And let your friends relationships be theirs as well. I never want to make people feel like they are doing something wrong simply because I make a point of saying how differently I would do it. Can we all just be free to be ourselves?

Celebrating Four Months

Today we celebrate four months together!

I know this isn't one of the "important" milestones that everybody acknowledges and celebrates, but we are celebrating! We are celebrating four months of loving and laughing and learning and growing. Four months ago, we stood in front of you, our family and friends, and promised to love each other for the rest of our lives.

We promised to make each other laugh (you can see David was doing that even as he shared his vows) and we promised to challenge each other to grow in our faith and our love for Jesus Christ. The last four months have been a journey of learning what all of that actually means in real life. It hasn't always been the easiest thing but I can't even begin to express how worth it it has been! I love this man. so. much. 

David loves me so well. He had no idea what he was getting into when he married me! Believe me...I didn't put a front on for him when we were dating, but now he spends the majority of his time with me. He gets to experience all of my moods, all of my bad habits, all of my headaches, all of my quirks. And he handles them with so much patience and gentleness. A few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep because I had just the worst migraine. David likes his sleep and was exhausted, but instead of letting me deal with it on my own, he got up and got me water as I threw up over and over. Then he went to Walmart to get me medicine that I couldn't even keep down. What a man. He washes the dishes even though he hates washing dishes. He drives me to class on mornings that I'm not ready early enough to walk or drive myself. What a wonderful, selfless man. 

David makes me laugh every single day. He's such a goof and he totally brings it out in me also! If you've spent any significant time with us, you know that every other sentence we say to each other is usually in some silly accent. It probably sounds so dumb, but we are thoroughly entertained by it. I'm so thankful for a man who doesn't take himself too seriously, or me too seriously!! The accents he talks in, the faces he makes, the little dances in the kitchen...this guy brings so much joy and laughter into my life. What a fantastic friend to spend my life with!

I am learning so much about who I am, who my husband is, and who God is because of my marriage to David. I'm learning what it means to really love. Love isn't always a rainbows and butterflies feeling. I'm not saying that doesn't exist with love sometimes, but its not love itself. Sometimes love is picking my clothes up off the floor because David likes things to be in order. Sometimes love is getting David something to eat so he can rest after work even though I'm tired too. Sometimes love is filling my own tank of gas so that he doesn't have to later. But I'm not in this alone! David has learned so much about loving me also! He leaves me random notes with encouraging words for me to find when I get home after a busy day of classes, work, and internship. He gets me flowers for our table. He stops during the chaos of work and sends me a short text telling me how much he loves me. We are learning what it means to speak love to each other in the way that we best receive. Can you tell how different our primary love languages are? :) David loves selflessly and he loves me well. What an incredible servant he is. 

I have grown so much because of who David is. He calls out the best in me and challenges those rough areas in my life. I am so much more aware of my words because of David. I've always struggled with gossip. This man has challenged me to be so much more careful about the words I speak about people. He has challenged me to stop complaining about so many things and to realize just how blessed I really am. He challenges me to live in a way that really shows people that I am different because I am a Christian. And he doesn't do this simply with his words. He does this by his example. God has used this man to be such an instrument of growth in my life. What an amazing example this man is to me. 

Today we are celebrating four months of marriage. I am celebrating four months of loving and being loved by the most incredible husband. I am celebrating the blessing that God has given me by allowing me to love and take care of his son, David. I am celebrating the laughter that fills our home each day. I am celebrating all of the things we have learned in the last four months. I am celebrating the growth in my life because of who my husband is. I am celebrating my husband. 

I am not writing this blog to brag about my incredible life and my incredible husband. I'm not writing it to make my life look perfect. I am writing it because I think that God likes to celebrate! I'm no Bible scholar, but I do know that God commanded his people to have lots of feasts of celebration! God loves it when His people celebrate His provision and blessings. So I am celebrating. We are celebrating. God has been good to me. 

What has God been doing in your life? What are the blessings He has given to you? What are you celebrating today?

Be Here Now: Learning Contentment

“Be here now”

For those of you who have worked at Eagle Lake Camp in Colorado Springs, this phrase is very familiar to you. This is what we would say to the kids anytime they would ask what is next. “When is free time?” “When do we get to eat lunch?” “When is free time?!” Our response: “Be here now”. I find it funny sometimes that I was the person telling these kids to be in the moment and to be content because this has always seemed to be something I have struggled with.

Although there have been times when I have found myself stuck in the past, I tend to be a dreamer. I usually think about the future more than anything. When you are young, you have dreams about getting older, driving and having your first car, meeting your first girlfriend (or boyfriend), graduating high school, college, and then someday getting married and having a family. At least, that is the way it was for me. Now that I have done most of those things, I still dream. I’m not saying that dreaming is bad but I have found that when it starts getting in the way of being content in the present, it can become a problem.

If you ask Lynea or I what we want in life, we will both reply that we want have a family. It actually wasn’t long after we were married that we had our first baby “scare.” Through that, we actually realized how badly we want to be parents. We became very attached to the idea of having a child and even though we knew it was for the best, it was hard to accept the fact that we weren’t pregnant. For many reasons, having a baby right now wouldn’t be the smartest idea. But even though I know that, it has been so easy to entertain the idea that a few times I have forgotten to just enjoy being married. There are so many blessings to being married without the responsibility of a child! I love Lynea very much and absolutely love being married to her. As we have gone through this season of our life where we get the blessing of getting to focus solely on one another, what I continue to realize is that I need to take advantage of this time to learn how to love her best before we, or God, decides to introduce another member into our family. I need to be content where I am.

Even if we can’t have a baby…or a puppy, a kitten, or even a different job, God is teaching me to trust him and be here now.

I wanted to share this with you because I remember being in a place before getting married where I thought marriage would cure discontentment and the desire for more, but in reality it doesn’t. Marriage is a huge blessing, but by no means does it just cure your problems.

And neither will anything else you may dream of having. Or any relationship you dream of being in. So whether you are single, married, young, or old; don’t focus on what you don’t have or where the grass may be greener, because honestly, the grass is greenest right where you are. God has so much for you right where you are.

Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This verse is a good reminder that no matter what stage of life I am in, God has things he wants to teach me here and now. If I am focusing on the past, or on what may come in the future, there will probably be something really important I miss today. Don't miss out on what God has for you today because you are so focused on what may come tomorrow. Be here now. 

The Devil Hates My Marriage

Before David and I got married, we got a lot of advice from people about what it would be like. We were told that it is hard and takes a lot of work. We were also told that it is the best thing in the world and that nothing else in life is quite like it. We've experienced both of that, for sure. But what I don't remember anybody ever telling us explicitly was that the enemy would actively hate our marriage and want to make us unhappy and ineffective.

You see, even though David and I make a lot of mistakes, we have really worked to make Christ the foundation and center of our relationship. We want our marriage to be such an incredible union that it not only glorifies God, but that it also points others toward him. We want to be made more like Christ through our relationship with one another. And you know what? I was led to believe that if I did that, marriage would pretty much be a piece of cake. Yes, hard times would come, but not for like, at least a year. 

We got so much advice saying things like, "Put God at the center and everything will work out fine." YES. This is so true. With God in first place, everything WILL turn out like it is supposed to. But what nobody said was, "Put God first, and then expect that the enemy won't like that, so he will try to throw some flaming arrows at you. Be prepared to do some spiritual warfare together. From the very beginning." 

I wish somebody had told us that. Or at least, that I had really listened when they did. 

I'm almost 21 years old and I've been married for three months. I've prayed more and "done battle" in the spiritual world more in the last three months than ever before in my life. Since being married, Satan has spoken so many lies into my head. He lies to me that I'm not good enough to be married to David. He lies to me that I have so many issues that David is going to leave me. He lies to me that David isn't fully committed to me (and BELIEVE ME, this man is so wonderfully committed). He lies to me that God isn't seeing my heart and taking care of me. He lies to me that God isn't taking care of us. He lies and he lies and he lies. 

And while every hard thing in marriage is NOT from Satan...{lets be real, God has been doing a LOT of fine-tuning and not-so-fine-tuning in my life since marrying David}...he certainly does what he can. 

Satan is a liar. But he's so sneaky. He sneaks in and gently nudges with those lies. He comes when I am feeling most vulnerable. He comes when my husband is at work and I'm alone with only my own thoughts for hours. He comes in when I am discouraged about school and other things coming up. He's a sneaky liar. I have to be on my guard. 

So why am I telling you this? I want anybody who is preparing to marry or is already married or who will get married any time in the future....be prepared to fight. Not with each other of course (though that happens sometimes too ;) but be prepared to do spiritual battle. Be prepared to go to battle for your spouse in prayer. Be prepared to go to battle with Satan and the stupid lies he speaks into your head. Be prepared to take every thought captive. 

And know that you can do none of it without the power of Christ in you. Its true, you have to put God at the center of your marriage and even more, at the center of who you are. I can't even tell you the amount of times that David and I have had an issue come up and we have had to go to God in prayer acknowledging that we can only do marriage in His power. And we have to acknowledge that the issue is often bigger than the two of us...we have to rebuke Satan in Jesus' name, because he has no right to touch us or our marriage. 

Spiritual warfare is no easy thing. And its even harder when its involving something so dear to us like our marriage and our relationship with each other. But I have to tell you, you will face it. So be prepared for it. I'm pretty sure that being prepared for it is half the battle, at least emotionally. 

Marriage is hard like they say. And marriage is better than anything I have ever experienced. God has brought me so much joy from being married to my incredibly wonderful husband. And I'm pretty sure we make God laugh too :) But Satan? No, he hates it. And you know what? I'm glad he hates it. That means we must be doing something right.