My Miracle Baby

When Noah was born, I blogged his birth story and it was one of the ways that I processed his pregnancy and birth. (You can find that here if you get done reading Emmy's story and want proof as to just how opposite my baby's birth stories are!). Then, when we lost our baby at the beginning of this year, I also blogged about it as a way to process it and share our story so that if others were experiencing the same thing, they would know they weren't alone. You can find that story here. If you haven't read that blog, go ahead and go read it, because Emmy's story picks up only a few short weeks later.

WARNING: This is long and jumbled. I have two kiddos and no time to go through and edit down. Good luck!

After losing our baby in March of this year, one of the things that caused me sadness was the unknown of how long it would take to be able to have another baby. We had been wanting to grow our family for almost a year, so when I was finally pregnant, we were ecstatic. Of course, when I miscarried less than a week later, one of my first thoughts was, "Well then when, God?" Since my miscarriage was so early, there was no reason to wait for trying again, so we went into the next month thinking we would start trying right away to get pregnant again. Bloodwork during my miscarriage suggested that a possible cause was insufficient progesterone, so we made an appointment with a doctor friend of my midwife's that has had great success in supplementing progesterone to help women not lose pregnancies.

Dr. Anselmi was very helpful in explaining how supplementing progesterone may help and he agreed that trying to get pregnant again right away would be fine - especially because your body is already somewhat in "pregnancy mode" and it can make it easier to actually get pregnant. However, we talked through some symptoms I'd had for a while and decided to run some bloodwork on my thyroid. After that, we went on our way with a prescription for progesterone that I was supposed to start taking the day after ovulation. However, when my bloodwork came back, it showed a possibly underperforming thyroid - nothing diagnosable, but enough of an issue that Dr. Anselmi said with a few days of hormone treatment, we could probably fix it. With that news, we decided to wait on trying to get pregnant again. I didn't want to lose another baby to something that was quickly fixable. A couple of days later, we packed up in less than 10 hours, and made a completely last minute two week trip out to Atlanta and Florida to say goodbye to David's wonderful Da (grandpa) and to see my family.

Now, I know this seems like a lot of backstory, but I promise you there's a reason I'm telling it. Emmy Rae wasn't even supposed to happen. We were avoiding pregnancy and I didn't take my progesterone (which, by the way, I needed as my levels were still borderline too low my entire pregnancy). When we got back from our trip, I noticed that my basal body temperature was still high on the day I expected it to drop (if you are a lady and don't track your cycles, I'd encourage you too - you can learn so much!). I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case I was somehow pregnant because if so, I needed to start on progesterone ASAP. I took the test, fully expecting a negative. So when that little pink line showed up, I was shocked. Miracle number one.

There was no cutesy way of telling David. I called him on his way home from work and told him to pick up some more pregnancy tests. When those came back positive, there was no cutesy way of telling our parents or closest friends - we called them immediately and asked them to please start praying that this pregnancy and baby would be healthy. And that's how Emmy found her place in our family and in our hearts. It wasn't "supposed" to happen, and from the very beginning, she has demanded the supernatural protection of prayer.

Fast forward to July. I was 14 weeks pregnant and had finally relaxed, knowing I was past the "danger zone" for miscarriage. I had started to allow myself to bond more strongly with the baby, instead of working so hard to protect myself in case of loss. And then we ended up in the Emergency room. I had begun to suspect that I was leaking amniotic fluid - something that is very very not good, especially that early in pregnancy. My midwife had come to my house to test the fluid and check on the baby, and everything pointed to my suspicions being correct. My normally right-on-track-measuring uterus was measuring 3 weeks behind, indicating of low fluid, and the ph level of the fluid was the same as amniotic fluid. So she sent me straight to the ER to have more specific testing and an ultrasound done. We spent 6 hours in tears, asking God to please protect our baby, doing tests, and ultrasound, and waiting for someone to tell us what was going on. (Although to be honest, we spent most of that time waiting for a room. *insert eye roll here*). When the doctor *finally* came in to give us some answers, we were shocked to hear that everything was just fine. My fluid levels were good and the test for amniotic fluid came back negative. Of course, its possible that everything was fine all along, but the words and prayers of some family members, and my mom gut, tells me that something was wrong, and the Lord intervened on Emmy's behalf. Miracle number two. 

A few weeks later, when we received a bill for over $3000 dollars, we learned that we qualified for pregnancy Medicaid even though our income was quite a bit over the regular Medicaid limit. We worked like crazy to get that active in the system. This extra insurance coverage is miracle number three. My primary insurance covers no prenatal services at all, so we were just praying that everything would go according to plan with our homebirth. Without the ER episode, we would have been in so much financial trouble later on.

Fast forward again to 27 weeks. My progesterone was monitored every two weeks to keep an eye on my levels and with this blood draw, it dropped down significantly. I had done research and knew that my placenta was responsible for progesterone production at this point so I began to question if my placenta was working properly. If it wasn't producing progesterone properly, was it also not providing Emmy with nutrients and oxygen like it should? This led me to go see Dr. Anselmi again. He put my fears at bay and said that while we could do an extra ultrasound, he didn't think it was necessary as she sounded wonderful on the Doppler and my uterus was measuring perfectly. We decided to hold off.

Two weeks later, I became concerned that my cervix was changing prematurely. I went straight to my midwife, who confirmed that I was 2 cm dilated and 40-50% effaced. She put me on modified bedrest and sent me for an ultrasound to determine if there was a reason Emmy might be trying to come early. Although my cervix didn't cause any more issues, the ultrasound alerted us to Emmy's growth restriction. She was measuring tiny. After a couple of follow ups and a third opinion, we officially transferred care to the high risk group at Memorial Central. Though it was initially hard to give up my plans for a homebirth with the midwife that delivered Noah, I felt so much peace knowing she was getting the care that she needed. I also loved the group of doctors, nurses, and ultrasound technicians that so willingly took me and Emmy on to make sure she would be born safely.

We began twice weekly monitoring and did all kinds of bloodwork. At first, we could still not find a reason for Emmy being severely growth restricted. She was consistently measuring in the less than 1st percentile. Noah was born at 8 lbs 3 oz, so I do not have a history of small babies ;). The doctor's wisdom and discernment led them to have me do a 24 hour urine catch to check for preeclampsia despite my bloodwork looking great and my having no symptoms of the sickness. Sure enough, I was spilling protein. Normal levels of protein in a 24 hour urine catch are 225 or less. My levels came back at 1040. I'm so thankful for the doctors that weren't satisfied with not checking for everything, despite me on the outside looking completely healthy.  I got into their care at just the right time and a disease I had no symptoms of was caught. They made the call to give me steroids just in case we needed to deliver Emmy earlier than 37 weeks. Miracle number four. 

On the day before Thanksgiving, I went in for my second non-stress test and ultrasound of the week. Emmy had looked great two days earlier so I assumed it would be a quick appointment and I'd be on my way to get some groceries to make freezer meals. I had no idea that I would be induced less than 6 hours later.

Emmy was not responsive on the non-stress test. Her heart rate wasn't dipping, but it was going up like it should either. I assumed she was just sleepy as she'd been moving the whole time I drove to the hospital. They took me back for an ultrasound and ended up doing a full growth scan, even though that wasn't schedule until the next week. A few minutes later, the high risk doctor came in and told me that she wasn't performing on the ultrasound like she had been, and her growth interval was not good. I would be 34 weeks the next day, and it was time to get this baby out. I didn't know this in the moment, but this decision at this time was miracle number five. 

I called David in tears and told him to leave work and come to the hospital because we were having a baby. I called my mother-in-law and asked her to please pick up Noah from his play date with David's boss' wife and daughter. David got to the hospital and we were wheeled back to Labor and Delivery. Once we were admitted, Dr. Alanis came in to explain how we would induce. He told me that I was basically the opposite of what preeclampsia usually is. It usually happens to first time moms. I was a second time mom with no issues with my first. It usually attacks mom more than baby. I was completely fine and Emmy was the one being attacked. It usually happens at term, and for me it was preterm, etc.

Because of the preeclampsia, I had to be on magnesium sulfate for my entire labor, delivery, and a full 24 hours after. I like to call mag sulfate the "death drip." It literally makes you feel so awful - crazy hot flashes, weak, headache, and its a muscle relaxant so you can't get out of bed, and you have to get a catheter to pee if you don't want to be messing with a bedpan every hour. So that was fun.

I was about 8 hours into ripening my cervix when I started begging for pain meds. Guys, I wasn't even 2 cm and didn't even have Pitocin going yet. The cervadil was causing painful but not very productive contractions and I was over it. Theresa, my incredible overnight nurse, told me that while they see inductions without any pain meds, they don't ever see magnesium inductions without pain meds. I didn't care that my plan had been to try another all-natural labor and delivery. I wanted whatever they could give me the fastest. I got a dose of IV pain meds and it was the best. Two hours later when it started to wear off, I faced my fear of anesthesia and needles in my back, and got an epidural. There was no way I was going to get from 2 cm to 10 without some pain relief. Unofficial miracle number six, ha!

After the epidural started, my blood pressure dropped quite low, and because of the preeclampsia, the nurse had to be careful to not overcompensate in bringing it back up. Then, Emmy's heart rate dropped also. As I watched the nurse call urgently for the charge nurse for help, I thought it was the beginning of an emergency C-section. They got me on oxygen, and after changing my position, Emmy recovered. We are so thankful. Because of that episode, Theresa waited a couple of hours to start Pitocin. She wanted Emmy to have plenty of time to recover and rebuild her oxygen reserve.

At 6:30 my Pitocin drip started and I started pushing the "happy button" on my epidural quite a bit more. Shift change happened with the nurses and my new nurse, Joy, was in and out of the room. I asked her when she would check for progress and she said probably not until around 11:00 unless I started feeling more pressure. Up until this point I hadn't felt too much but about 10 minutes later, at 9:45 I told her that I was feeling more and she should at least check. I had dilated to a 6! I texted my midwife and told her it was time to come because the baby would probably be coming in a couple of hours. Joy started putting the delivery tray together, and David went to jump in the shower. Before either of them could really do anything, I started feeling like I needed to push. I told them both that I was basically holding the baby in. Joy called the nurses but there was no time to call the doctor and NICU team separately so she just pulled my emergency cord to get everybody there ASAP. Moments later I was crowning and Emmy was born at exactly 10:00 am. I didn't even push and I delivered both Emmy and an abrupted placenta. Placental abruptions can kill babies. Dr. Alanis was literally scooping extra pieces of my placenta out of my uterus. My Emmy was not only born in time, but she was healthy. Miracle number six. 

Emilia Rae was 3 lbs, 12 oz, and 18.5 inches long on November 23, 2017, breathing on her own. They let me hold her for a few minutes before taking her to the NICU. It was 24 hours before I was able to see her again. Thankfully, David was able to spend a lot of time with her and he facetimed me so I could see her. She was so perfectly healthy - no need for oxygen, and her blood sugar and temperature regulated quickly. She never needed jaundice lights. I was able to pump a lot of colostrum for her and my milk came in relatively quickly. She only dropped 2 oz during her first week and then began to steadily gain.

Emmy was born two days before the baby we miscarried would have been due. The Lord is so faithful. Emmy does not take that baby's place of course. The Lord taught me important things by walking through that miscarriage and I can't wait to find out if I have another son or daughter. BUT, He so faithfully gave me another baby to love, even sooner than I'd been expecting the other one. I didn't have to wait any longer to add to my family.

If you read my miscarriage blog, you'll see that one of my biggest fears has always been to miscarry. I walked through that this year. My second fear was having a premature baby and having to experience the NICU life. I also walked through that this year, and the Lord was so present through all of it. Leaving your baby at the hospital when you are discharged is hard. Not being your baby's primary caregiver for the first several weeks of their life is hard. But seeing your baby thrive and knowing they are receiving incredible care from seriously amazing NICU nurses, is wonderful. Emmy was in the NICU for 24 days. She grew like crazy and learned to take her food orally. We prayed she would be home by Christmas, and the Lord answered that prayer.

About a week ago, the pathology came back on my placenta. We already knew it was a bad placenta. I just didn't know how bad. I haven't spoken to the doctor yet to have everything explained to me in English, but the basic gist is this: My placenta was tiny. It wouldn't have been able to keep up with Emmy. It was also infected: moderate chorioamnionitis.  Feel free to google this and try to wade through the medical journals. Essentially its a bacterial infection that significantly increases your risk of pprom, premature delivery, stillbirth, fetal death at birth, and breathing issues/long-term complications for the baby. And it wasn't a new infection. There were other problems, including the rupture, and the infection starting to affect the amniotic fluid. I look forward to asking about all of this at my six-week follow up. Right now, this is what I know. Emmy is alive and thriving, and this is miracle number seven.

Thank you to the many, many of you who covered me and Emmy in prayer throughout her life. We are so thankful for you and for the Lord who heard those prayers and clearly has quite the calling on this little life. Emilia is already a month old today! We are loving having her home. Noah is doing so well, and Emmy is the most content little girl. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Thy will be done, Lord.

The last couple of weeks have had me in constant conversation with God. Conversations that have mostly started with, "Why, God?" You see, one of my deepest fears has always been losing a child, whether that be in the womb or later in life. I've always begged God to spare me that pain because I just couldn't imagine how my mommy heart would be able to walk through it. And then last week, He allowed David and I to face what we prayed we never would: we miscarried for the first time. We lost our second child.

We have been wanting to give Noah a little brother or sister for quite some time now and the waiting has been difficult. Its been a time of trying to trust in the Lord's timing and letting go of control of our lives (which I haven't been very good at). So you can imagine how excited and relieved I was to finally see that beautiful, but faint second line on a pregnancy test. I had just made peace with the Lord that I was yet again, not pregnant, so that line (okay, all three) was such a special gift to me. I even told a close friend, "I think the Lord was just waiting for me to surrender my plans to Him." I thought I understood exactly what the Lord was doing.

But as I waited a few days and kept testing to "confirm" my pregnancy, the lines slowly began to disappear. I spent three days in desperate prayer that God would protect my baby and that the fading lines were just a fluke. I thought that surely this couldn't be in His plan after I had finally surrendered my plan. I went to see my midwife, Dana, to do a blood test but before we even got the results, I began to miscarry. The next day, Dana called and let me know that the blood test confirmed the pregnancy but I had to tell her that we already had our answer.

Because I had been in limbo for several days, having an answer was somewhat of a blessing. But it wasn't the answer I wanted, and I spent several days in tears that would just come on suddenly as I let go of dreams that I had developed in even those few days. And yet, in the midst of this I felt an unexplainable peace. I told David that it was hard when people asked me how I was doing because I didn't know how to convey that I was truly walking through deep pain that could have me in tears at any moment and yet I was also experiencing deep peace. How do you explain feeling all of the raw human emotions, but knowing the supernatural peace of God at the same time?

After several days, I was processing things as well as I could and feeling a special closeness with the Lord. And then a few days later, we found out that several others that we love deeply were experiencing deep loss as well. The news completely broke me and I began to be upset with the Lord for allowing so much pain. My "Why's?" turned into "How could you...?" I was so mad at Him. I've known the Lord my whole life and I have seen His faithfulness over and over and over again. I have seen His goodness, I have experienced His love. But the events of the last few weeks made me so mad at Him. I wanted to know why He was allowing us and those we love to experience so much pain. I wanted answers.

Well, I don't have an answer. And it still hurts. But, the presence of the Lord has been so tangible to me. I was reading Jesus Calling a few days ago and I read this: " This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control...You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never changes...As you release more and more into my care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you." This spoke to the deepest parts of my heart.

I like to be in control. I hate being so aware of how little control I actually have. I want those I love to be okay and I want to know exactly what the Lord is doing. But reality is that I'm not God, and all of that is beyond my control. I've been learning just a bit more about what the words, "Thy will be done," mean. Even when it hurts. Even when it's even harder than I ever imagined it would be. Even when those around me are hurting and there is nothing I can do. When I don't know what the future will look like. Thy will be done. I don't know when we will be blessed with another child. I don't know what the Lord has planned for our loved ones. But I do know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I do know that His grace flows deeply and His love is fierce. I do know that only He can give a peace that passes all understanding. And today, I must choose to rest in the Truth of who He is so that I do not give into the fear of the unknown.

As I continue to process all that March has brought, I am choosing to change my conversations with God from "Why?" to "Thank you..." because in the midst of hard times, I have seen His care. And I am so deeply grateful for His care. I am so deeply grateful for the hope we have in Christ. And I can't wait to meet my little baby someday in Heaven.

This song has taken me before the Lord in worship all month long:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCR_Fa8YV2U

Thy will be done, Lord.